In my Asheville, North Carolina therapy practice I frequently hear from clients who are struggling to understand themselves and how they fit into their families. They want to connect with their parents, but they walk away from interactions feeling drained and confused. Why does it always feel like such a struggle? Navigating their family dynamics as adults often leads them to experiencing anxiety and confusion as to how to make it better. It’s helpful to understand the levels of emotional maturity of others when we start to talk about their experiences in their family and how to have healthier relationships.

Understanding the emotional maturity of the adults that raised you can help you understand how to navigate these relationships in a more helpful way that doesn’t leave you feeling depleted or empty. It can help you identify and understand how you show up for yourself and others in ways that serve you and those that end up creating more disconnection. For a deeper exploration into this topic, I highly recommend reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson. In this book she describes parent child relationships in a digestible and non pathologizing way. In this article I use the terms parent, caregiver, and family interchangeably. These concepts apply to the adults that raised you. That could be a parent, grandparent, uncle, foster parent or other significant adults that you relied on for care.

Signs You Have Emotionally Immature Parents

You feel responsible for navigating interactions so everyone feels supported and not upset.
You avoid conflict either because it’s too overwhelming or because it feels like it won’t change anything.
You’re so used to doing things on your own that it doesn’t even occur to you to ask for help.
When you realize you need help, it’s really difficult to ask for support. You may even feel shame for needing help in the first place.
You feel you must apologize to others when you cry or get upset.
You feel guilty about taking up too much time from others or being a bother (even with your therapist).
You worry that you aren’t doing enough.
You feel that you are too emotional and even as a child put a lot of effort into being mature and strong.
You struggle with perfectionism, not because you need things to be perfect, but because you secretly worry you are an imposter and others might notice.
When you talk about your family, you make sure to share positive things because you don’t want others to get too much of a negative impression.
When you think about all of the good things in your life, you feel guilty for not being happy.
You feel guilty and worry about complaining. You wonder if you just need to learn how to ‘get over’ things.
You worry that you overexaggerate your feelings and make a big deal out of nothing.
You feel guilty if you have negative thoughts about your parents because you know they’ve been through rough times and didn’t have a lot of support growing up.
You feel responsible to take care of your parents and regularly navigate around their emotional needs.
You struggle to ask for what you need in relationships.

When you were a child:

You can recall feeling lonely even when you were surrounded by others.
It never felt like your problems were big enough to be addressed or you felt it was better to keep things to yourself.
You worried about your parent. This could be worrying about how they will behave and react and/or worrying that they didn’t have enough help and support. You changed your behavior accordingly.
You and your siblings had labels like “The Good One” “Mommy's Little Helper” “The Trouble Maker” “The Baby” “The Drama Queen” “The Man of the House”. These labels came with expectations that made you feel as a child that you weren’t allowed to change or do something different.
You had to protect younger siblings or rely on an older sibling to protect you.
You can recall feeling envious of other families. You envied how warm, calm, or close they felt.

Signs of an Emotionally Immature Parent

An emotionally immature parent can demonstrate all of these or just a handful. The impact on the child is growing up without getting their emotional needs met.

Things mostly revolve around a parent’s mood and needs.
Their interactions feel surface level, even when you are upset and going through something hard.
They brush off or minimize your feelings- staying stoic or bringing attention back to themselves.
They don’t express much empathy for others OR they over-empathize and emotionally exaggerate to the point of feeling like you have to take care of them.
They remain rigid in their view of you, even when you’ve changed. For example, insisting that you aren’t capable of doing something by yourself even though you’re independent and want to do it on your own.
When you communicate that you are upset with them about their behavior, they blame you, tell you you’re too sensitive or overreacting, OR get so emotional and self-blaming that you end up having to comfort and reassure them. An example of the latter is "Well, I guess I’m just a terrible mother then.”
They are inconsistent with their responses to you—sometimes nurturing and wise, other times negative and blaming. This may lead to you feeling that you did something wrong.
They don’t tolerate differences well. There is an expectation of how people and kids are “supposed” to be. They are inflexible to adapting to individual children’s needs and differences.
They don’t take accountability or reflect on their role in a problem.
Their ability to self-reflect and put themselves in another’s shoes is minimal.
They respond negatively to your excitement and successes. They might respond to happy news with a warning to not get too excited or point out the negative.
They expect you to be grateful to them for providing basic needs such as food and shelter when you were a child. Expecting anything more is seen as being ungrateful.
They didn’t take an interest in you as a child (asking questions, being curious about your thoughts or interests). This can continue into adulthood.
Activities are more focused on their interests and desires. As a child this could have looked like insisting that you pursue specific hobbies or activities that you had no interest in, but made them look good or allowed them to live through you.
When you were a child they regularly shared details of their personal lives with you. This could be details about their relationships, personal struggles, or oversharing about the other parent.
Your parent relied on you for advice or emotional support.
They expected you to be mature and adult-like long before it was developmentally appropriate.

The Types of Emotionally Immature Parents

Emotionally immature parents are not all the same. Dr. Lindsay Gibson describes 4 different types in her book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. It’s common for emotionally immature caregivers to have a mix of these types. It’s important to remember that emotional maturity exists on a spectrum. At the far end of emotional immaturity, you may recognize traits of narcissism, narcissistic abuse, or borderline personality disorder. You may also recognize that some of these behaviors are emotionally abusive. Towards the middle of the spectrum, the behaviors may not be abusive, but they are certainly harmful to the mental health of a child and can lead to not getting your emotional needs met.

Understanding how you were impacted by your parents emotional maturity is not for the purpose of blaming or criticizing them. It’s purpose is to help you understand yourself more fully. Children who grow up with emotionally immature caregivers often internalize their parent’s behavior believing that there must be something wrong with them. Children don’t look at their parents' behavior and think “My dad is emotionally immature.” They think “I must have done something wrong” or “I’m bad." We carry these internalized messages with us into adulthood leading to lack of self-trust, anxiety, depression, and high levels of self-criticism and self-blame. When you can understand the roots of your experiences, you have more power to change them.

Emotional Parent

Emotionally reactive and blaming
Too close or too distant
Focuses on their own needs and feelings
Has poor conflict resolution and repair skills
Emotionally intense in an overwhelming way
Expects others to prioritize their feelings
Sees themselves as a victim
Expects child to soothe them or modify behavior so they don’t get upset
Low accountability or self-reflection
Does not respect boundaries
Switches between warm/ nice and angry/scary
Low empathy but is sometimes overly affectionate
Talks about themselves leaving little space for others
Acts as if they have no power or ability to change their circumstances
May shame child for “making them upset”
Family members may feel the need to tip-toe around and not upset them
Children and other family members may feel the need to stay alert and vigilant of the parent’s mood
Gets highly emotional and plays the victim when child asks for more support or starts questioning their parent’s behavior. It’s common for this to start in adolescence but it continues through adulthood.

Children who grow up with an emotional parent may learn to be overly empathetic and overly accommodating to others. As adults, they often put others before them and can struggle to communicate boundaries and needs. They may struggle as adults to validate their own feelings and worth.

Driven Parent

Has high standards for children
Rigid and expects perfection
Goal driven and over-focused on child’s potential
Appears to others as highly involved and supportive of the children
Little tolerance for mistakes or child’s normal emotions
High control and following of rules and routine
Expects children to be a certain way
Does not accept or adapt to differences or child's individual needs
Likes to be in charge and in control
Low empathy
Low accountability or self-reflection
Has poor conflict resolution and repair skills
May shame child for not “doing it right”
See’s children as a reflection of them
Preoccupied with themselves and their own needs
May run the house like a strict school
May criticize child when they get emotional and expect them to button it up
May criticize or act affronted when child asks for more support or starts questioning their parent’s behavior. It’s common for this to start in adolescence but it continues through adulthood.

Children with a driven parent often struggle with perfectionism and anxiety. They may struggle as adults to validate their own feelings and worth.

Passive Parent

Friendly and good natured
Laid back
Passifies or gently avoids confrontation
Does not stand up for self or others
Overlooks hurt and does not protect child
May placate other’s problematic behavior
May disappear or stay silent when children are getting yelled at or harmed
Can be affectionate and warm
Low empathy
Low accountability or self-reflection
Has poor conflict resolution and repair skills
Acts as if they have no power or ability to change their circumstances
Enjoys being the favorite parent
Relies on gaining the affection and love of a child to meet their needs to feel loved
Is a nice parent, but does not try to deeply understand their child
Does not draw boundaries or limits
May withdrawal or disappear when emotional intensity increases
May pull back when children get older and more emotionally complex, especially if children start asking for more support or start questioning their parent’s behavior. It’s common for this to start in adolescence but it continues through adulthood.
Children with a passive parent often grow up feeling close to this parent. They feel a need to protect them and excuse their behavior. They may struggle to validate their own feelings and worth.

Rejecting Parent

Dismisses or minimizes child’s needs
Can be cruel or criticizing when child does something they don’t like
Acts as if their child is weak when they become upset
Aloof and may seldom interact with children
May shame, mock, and make fun of child
Attacks the character or worthiness of others- including children
Is reactive- family members may feel they are walking on eggshells
Acts as if they are at the top of a hierarchy and separates self from others
Can be cold, dismissive, and distant
Hard to please and shows little if any affection
Acts if child is annoying or bothersome
Low empathy, if any at all
Low accountability or self-reflection
Has poor conflict resolution and repair skills
Acts as if children are okay on their own
May ignore and seldom interact with their child
Can be hostile when others push for affection or emotional connection
They control the room and family members instinctively ‘tread lightly’ as to not upset them
May become more rejecting when children get older and more emotionally complex, especially if children start asking for more support or start questioning their parent’s behavior. It’s common for this to start in adolescence but it continues through adulthood.

Children with a rejecting parent often grow up feeling as though they don’t matter. As adults, they may struggle to communicate their needs or let others support them. They may struggle to validate their own feelings and worth.

Relating to even a small handful of these is a sign that you have emotionally immature parents. Being raised by caregivers who have limited emotional capacity can lead to growing up without getting your emotional needs met. Children adapt and find ways to get along despite this, but it leaves an impact on your mental health. It impacts how you think about yourself and how you show up in relationships. Understanding the emotional maturity of others can help you understand how to have healthier, more satisfying relationships. It can help you gain a clearer, more positive view of yourself leading to increased self-worth and lower anxiety.

In my work as a therapist, I come across this a lot. My client’s often seek me out because they are anxious and stressed. They feel dissatisfied and frustrated with their family of origin and don’t fully understand why. They blame themselves and often feel that they could be doing something more to improve their family relationships. They want to make things better and live a happier life with more meaning and fulfillment. Their anxiety and self-doubt creeps up in multiple areas of their life- work, parenting, relationships, even when they try to relax. When they first come to see me they are unsure of what to do to make it better. If the topics discussed in this article resonate with you, know that you are not alone and that there is a pathway forward.

Learn more about Therapy

If you relate to this article but not fully, consider learning more about childhood emotional neglect. Many of my clients tell me that they don't think they've had trauma, but when we start to look at their history of anxiety, it becomes clear that their anxiety is rooted in the experiences, events, and needs they didn't get met.

Trauma isn’t only about what happened to you, it’s also about what didn’t happen.

Lack of emotional support and emotional neglect is a form of childhood trauma. People who have experienced this often don’t know that they were emotionally neglected as children. They are confused about why they feel anxious because they had all of their basic needs met in childhood and their adult life is pretty good overall. It feels like it doesn’t make sense. They feel guilty for having anxiety in the first place because they don’t think there is a good enough reason for them to feel bad. Read Childhood Emotional Neglect Can Lead to Anxiety

If you are interested in starting therapy, please schedule a consultation with me by clicking the button below. Consultations are free and an opportunity for you to decide if working together feels like a good fit.

Contact

Hanna Woody is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in Asheville, North Carolina. She has over 12 years of professional counseling experience and specializes in breaking cycles of generational trauma, childhood trauma, and the Enneagram. Certified in the Embodiment Tradition, she has over 150 hours of training and teaching experience. Hanna is in private practice and provides online mental health therapy, Enneagram coaching, and Enneagram training.

Therapy in Asheville, Raleigh, Charlotte, Winston-Salem, Greensboro and all North Carolina regions.

Therapy for Childhood Trauma, Anxiety Therapist, Childhood Trauma Therapist, Therapy for Cycle Breakers, Narcissistic Abuse Recovery, Enneagram Therapy, Enneagram Therapist, Enneagram Coaching

Being Raised by Emotionally Immature Parents: Signs and Impact

Signs You Have Emotionally Immature Parents

Signs of an Emotionally Immature Parent

The Types of Emotionally Immature Parents

Body-Based Coping Skills to Help You Relieve Anxiety

Enneagram for Therapists